"Fear always springs from ignorance." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

If that is true... kids have it rough. They are experiencing EVERYTHING for the first time! Tonight I was reminded of that.

I had a kid in the health center at 10pm with a fever, waiting for his dad to pick him up. His name was Pete, let's say. Anyway, Pete is described by his teachers as a "deep thinker." He once asked in class, "Is it better to believe in many God's or not to believe in God at all." Wow. Sweet kid, and as he lay huddled under his blankets, trembling, he said to me,

"Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." I said. His chin was quivering.

"What if my fever gets higher? I mean what if it keeps going up?"

"Don't worry buddy. Your body knows what to do. Just take some deep breaths." I didn't realize how scared he was, until this next question.

With huge, alligator tears rolling down his cheeks, Pete asked, "What if its too late for me?"

My heart broke. I know its a bit dramatic, but he wasn't trying to be. He was completely genuine. See, he has never had a fever before and it was all new to him: the body shaking, feeling warmer and warmer. It's miserable and if you've never felt it before... wow, I'd be scared too. How often do kids go through things for the first time? Constantly. And how aware of that are we. They're like aliens on a foreign planet.

Fear can be paralyzing. Especially when it can be justified. So the greatest gift we can give the kids around us is teaching them to face their fears. And remembering to keep facing our own fears too.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake

It's been awhile. I can't get the hang of this whole blogging thing. Don't ever feel like I have much to say. But I guess it's worth a shot. My struggle these days is forgiveness. I can forgive when I can't relate. Like if it's something I have been through before. Or if the person who wronged me seems remorseful. It's a pretty selfish way of looking at it, I know. But its those times when forgiveness is totally one sided. I can't wait for an apology. I can't wait to understand all the ins and outs of motives and intentions. I have to forgive. For no other reason except that Jesus, my Lord and Savior, has asked me to. And has done far more for me through His forgiveness than I will ever be asked to do for someone else. It's lonely in this spot. It's sad. And I wonder how often I make Him feel like this... when I am not listening. When I decide I don't need Him... When I fight His will. When all He wants is the best for me and I turn my back on Him. George MacDonald said, "Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life."
But where I am, just short of that forgiveness, feels like the opposite. And so I wait for His hand of gentleness and deliberate leading. I need it. I can't do it alone.

Nothing Will Ever Work Unless You Do

That's a quote by Maya Angelou. I don't know why she is famous... except that Oprah really likes her. This quote draws me in, works me over and spits me out. For more than one reason, I hate this quote; for its complexity, its truth, its lies, the way it describes my life and rebukes my life in the same instance. I am a legalist. I am very often a pharisee. I am also a prodigal from time to time. When it comes to my walk with Christ, so often it becomes something I am ashamed of.

A Typical To Do List

1. Read the Bible
2. Pray
3. Fast
4. Evangelize
5. Work on not being legalistic.

How backwards is that? My pastor shared a great analogy on Sunday that shed so much light on the shame I have. I acquire my dream house. It is beautiful. There are rooms filled with comfy couches and chairs for my friends and family to fellowship. It has gardens and pools and views and I love it! But I need to build a driveway to connect the house to the road. It should really be a gorgeous driveway to match the house it leads to so I spend a lot of time on paving the road, planting flowers on either side, I even put a bridge in to go over the creek that flows in the front yard. I am finally done so I invite you over. As we reach the driveway I ask you to park. I just HAVE to show you the driveway I have spent so much time working on. I show you the stones I imported from Italy. You seem very impressed by the rose bushes. And by the time we get to the bridge (which I am sure you love!) we realize its been 2 hours and we have to get going. We never actually get to the house. The driveway is important. But only because it leads to the house.

God is the house. He is the place of fellowship, love and joy. The driveway is what gets us there each day; reading scripture, praying, fasting, etc. All of these things are so important. But only because they lead us to the Father. This has broken open a big part of my legalism but if I am completely honest, I have a LONG road ahead. But only because I know my flesh... It really is so easy. He is there. He is eager. He loves me right where I am. Just as if I never sinned. Just as if I always obeyed. Justified. Because of Your blood Jesus. Because of Your gift and sacrifice the Father looks down on me and can say "Well done good and faithful servant." Because You are the good and faithful servant, who stands in my place.

NEVERTHELESS

Here are a few thoughts from the sermon I heard this morning! I am so blessed by the church He has brought me to and am excited about what I am learning:

The Israelites got to see so much cool stuff! God sent them a cloud, manna, they walked through the sea, they woke up one day to a desert and the next to a lake. These people SAW the acts of God. "NEVERTHELESS, with most of them God was not pleased, for they were overthrown in the wilderness." 1 Cor. 10:5 Seeing those acts, experiencing God in such a seemingly practical way wasn't enough to sustain their faith. So why was Moses different? What made Aaron and Caleb's response different?

Psalms 103:7 After 6 verses about God's mighty acts and followed by 15 verses about the character of God is this eye-opening, heart-grabbing verse, "He made known His WAYS to Moses and his ACTS to the people of Israel."

I have seen AMAZING things God has done. He brought me out of a life of sin and darkness and offered me a new life, as His daughter, through His own death and resurrection. He has changed the hearts of so many of my friends. Brought them closer to their parents, closer to their enemies, closer to me even when I didn't deserve it. He has literally saved my life time and time again. Saved my family and friends from pain and anguish. I have seen amazing things, but none of it is enough to sustain my future faith. Knowing His ways will sustain me. Don't underestimate the power of our fleshly passions. Don't overestimate your ability to handle temptation. GOD provides a way out and it is almost always a person, someone who is holding you accountable to the commitments you've made to God. Paul had seen miracle after miracle and he was still afraid of failing to fulfill the Lord's purpose for his life. He had a healthy fear of being "disqualified." 1 Cor. 9:27 So should we. Its not that we are in danger of losing or salvaltion. But we are in danger of wasting this life.

I don't want to feel obligated to read my bible every morning. I don't want to add it to a list of things to do so that I can feel good about myself when I check it off. I know that knowing the ways of my Father, who adores me, will guard me from a purposeless life of disappointment. Because knowing Him is the best thing this life has to offer.

I hope this isn't a downer to read. Because it has had the opposite affect on me. Being reminded that I will always forget. But that he will always remind me. What a comfort. What a joy. Thanking God for what I have keeps me from looking for I don't. He knows what I need. And His blessings are GREAT!!!!!

Another gift of grace...

For those of you who have been in my life the last few years, you know that I have been overwhelmed by my understanding of grace. God has gradually allowed me to know and feel and give and enjoy His grace on a deeper and deeper level through change and incredible teachers and good friends. I spent so much of my walk with Him feeling "tolerated" and it is a pretty recent thing for me to be able to recognize myself as His daughter. It has been such a fruitful time but if I can be honest... the last few months I have struggled with this grace. I have wondered if I have pitched my tent in a soft view of the gospel, ignoring some hard truths because they aren't as comforting as grace. I see others working so hard to be righteous, working so hard to be the most knowledgeable and I have been running for the hills to stay away from the legalism I once lived in.

Today, God showed up in a HUGE way! I tried a new church called Venture. It is a 40 minute commute and as I drove over the hill I prayed out loud. I shared with God what I thought I might be looking for in a church but admitted I really had no idea. I shared with Him areas I see in my life that are stagnant. I shared with Him some distractions that I see forming in my life, some footholds perhaps. And by the time I arrived at the church parking lot I still had no idea what I was looking for or how I was going to know if it was right for me.

I was 13 minutes early. I sat alone in the back left. I watched all colors of people come in and begin laughing with the people next to them. I saw at least 8 culturally mixed couples. I saw 2 men in wheelchairs handing out bulletins. I saw the drummer was a woman!!!! Sweet! So far, so good. The worship leader was an attractive man with absolutely no stage presence which left me focusing on the words of each song as well as my response. It was fabulous!

The teaching pastor began by listing all of the things I had listed as desires I had in a church: fellowship, growth, truth, joy and anticipation. He went on to say he was describing a church he had pastored once where while all these things were present, individual growth wasn't. People were struggling year after year with the same issues. And there I sat, astounded at God's intensively intimate hand in my heart at that very moment. "Ok, Dad, I am listening."

He spoke of nodding our heads with the Pastor on Sunday Morning, encouraged by Truth and the Gospel. And then Monday hits, and our priorities swing right back into what they were. This is because we are deceived. This is because we are afraid. This is because we have failed so many times before. It's easier to give in. And the piece that is missing, the ingredient that can free us from allowing our bodies to control us is Discipline.

Sarah Welles has always been so good at affirming this in my life. She can list times when I have said I am going to do something... and in her memory I always follow through. And for that season I have encouraged her. I am so grateful for that but am continually discouraged by the fact that it NEVER LASTS!!!! But there is a piece of this grand puzzle that I have never been able to find. A piece that connects our seemingly hopeless attempts of righteousness to our ever-growing need for grace. A piece that connects my fear of having a mushy, weak view of salvation with the truth that this life is a calling like no other. And here it is.....

Discipline is a by-product of grace. That same grace that keeps me by my Fathers side. That same grace that picks me up off the floor. That same grace that allows me to come running back into His arms when I fall. From that grace flows the gift of self-control.

"For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and wordly passions and to live self-contolled upright and godly lives in the present age." Titus 2:11-12

"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." Hebrews 12:11

Discipline is a gift. One that doesn't have expectations or requirements. One that doesn't cost anything God doesn't already supply. I find myself nodding. I find myself agreeing with all my heart and praying desperately that Monday never hits. But it will. In 3 short hours actually so I am going to continue to pray. I am going to be memorizing these verses as well as 1 Cor. 9:24-27, 2 Peter 1:6 and Gal. 5:22-23. I am going to be making a few changes this week. And a few more next week. And so on and so forth. Not to be a better person but to enjoy this gift that my Father offers lovingly and without limits. You only get one shot at this life...

Super Amazing Moment Today!!!!!

Took Carissa to grab a coffee. She made fun of me for saying "a coffee" rather than just "coffee." Huh. Anyway, we both ordered iced coffee. I got a mocha and she got a hazelnut latte. Notice you can't say, "I got iced mocha," or "I got hazelnut coffee." That sounds caveman. So take that Carissa. Anyway, it was one of those days where the weather makes you doubt your choices. Too warm for a hot beverage. Just make you sweat more. And the iced beverages will melt in this weather. Fear not! Because at Mountain Brewery in Felton California they serve iced beverages with COFFEE ICE! That's right! So even if it melts, it doesn't become some watered down mess! I am so excited about this new find!!!!!

Long Time No See!!!!

So it's been awhile, I know. I know Emelia ok?!!! Geez! Anyway, I am back into the swing of OSS only this time around, we all know each other pretty well. So the "Welcome to OSS BBQ 09" wasn't as awkward as 08. But in some ways, not as memorable either. Don't get me wrong. I love this year. I love that we have an understanding of one another that goes a year deep. And really since we are on camp time, maybe more like 5 years deep. But there weren't any funny awkward moments that will continue on into the ages. Like last year, meeting Aimee for the first time, calling her Amy and learning that she drinks Patron straight, over ice. Or hearing Emelia's bee down the shirt story. Or sharing a bathroom with Cindy and finding ourselves needing to go to the bathroom at the same time EVERY morning. Or pretending like I wasn't sort of freaked out by Drew's "accent." All quality "getting to know you" moments that I value and savor in the retelling. But we have made a few new stories already. "Fun Table", pushing Carissa up Randy's (well not quite), coffe time with Char... all in all I have high hopes for this year. I know it will be different but I think that's actually what I am looking forward to.