Why I Don't like Disneyland (No offense Sarah or Char)

OK, there are 60,000 people in one place. The bathrooms are always crowded. People are constantly looking at you like you are a waste of space because you are in theirs. Kids are throwing up cotton candy and pickles. People are not wearing enough clothes. I have to sit in the same seat as the girls who are pretty much wearing denim underwear. Yuck! The lines aren't just long, they are ridiculous. Ridiculous because in the time it would take me to wait to ride Pirates of the Caribbean, I could be in the Caribbean. And with the price of admission, it just might be cheaper. There are grown men in tights walking around like they own the place, and I am not just talking about the cast members. I have blisters on the back of my ankles. Not from my tennis shoes (I wore Rainbows) but from the 389 strollers that rammed me from behind. There are more wheelchairs in Disneyland than anywhere on the planet. Fakers, who get rewarded by cutting in front of me, shortening their wait time by 3 hours per ride. Who says cheating doesn't pay! I don't mean to be so negative. Someone I really respect LOVES Disneyland and I get it. It is a place where your 8 year-old dreams can come true. But my 26 year-old dreams were squashed by the rather large lady with a cane who swooped in on my bench! MY BENCH! I guess its people like me that make Disneyland what it is. Sarah, you are my hero! I love you for seeing the good in all people and even all places! I will work on it. Although I will probably never go to Disneyland again, I now how have incredible memories there with Charlotte, Sarah, Beth, Katie and Annie! You girls made all the difference in the world!!!! Oh yeah! And It's a Small World sucks!

A Lesson on Your Senses

It's Wednesday night. NIGHT HIKE!!!! My kids have been waiting for this moment all week. We start by walking silently, getting our eyes adjusted to the night sky. They are besides themselves with anxiety and excitement. And as I hear giggles coming form the very back of the trail group, I realize my counselors are pretty antsy too. My first activity is one intended to challenge them to investigate two of their senses: smell and taste. The truth is they are connected and tasting flavor is near impossible without your sense of smell. So the directions are to hold your nose with one hand and put your other hand out in front of you so that I can give you a jelly bean. Chew the jelly bean for 20 seconds and try to figure out what flavor it is. Once I had gotten them to this point, I asked them to let go of their nose and tell me what flavor they had. "Grape!" "Yuck!" "Chocolate!" "Tutti-frutti" And then my counselor.

"I can't taste it. How am I supposed to taste it?"

I didn't exactly know how to respond and knowing me, you can imagine my facial expression at this point. Good thing it was dark. "Well," I really tried not to be patronizing, "With your tongue I guess."

Silence.

Her response sent us all into hysterics. "So its not supposed to be up my nose?"

She must have missed a word here or there. She started to try to snot rocket it out of her nostril as the rest of us keeled over laughing! What planet are these people from?! Moral of the story: Don't be the kind of idiot who does whatever anyone tells you to do. Especially if you think they are telling you to lodge anything up your nose. I guess except for bay leaves cause I tell my kids to do that every week... you get my point.

Long View

THIS IS NOT MINE!!!! I found this in high school and have no idea where it is from but I love it.

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise
that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the Kingdom
always lies beyond us.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.
This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.
We can not do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for
God's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders,
ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

A letter to a friend...

After an amazingly fun night with friends, the conversation changed directions and a friend in particular shared that he had just lost a niece and was just trying to wrap his brain around it. After sitting in silence as he shared, crying and vulnerable, said good night without a word of my own struggle. So I decided to write him and this is what came of it...

Then our night turned serious. And I am thankful for it because it was what I needed. The truth is, birthdays are hard for me. I want to share this with you because mourning is tricky. Its long-lasting, its short-lived, its everything we think it won't be and nothing we expect.

All day today, something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I was waiting for something and it never came. I was anxious and nervous and I could not figure out what is was that I thought should happen. I was on my solo walk at night hike, setting up the path with glow sticks when it hit me harder than it ever has in the last 4 and a half years, I was waiting for my dad to call. I got so angry at myself because I know he is dead. I was there when my mom got the call. I picked up his things from his apartment in San Francisco. I took care of his funeral over 4 years ago. But I had somehow displaced that pain completely and had tricked myself into believing he would call, he would call and make fun of my "old age" and tell stories of his own youth. How stupid. How mean.

Then tonight we started talking about mourning, about giving grace to ourselves. I started to cry. I was speechless. More than anything I wanted to tell you that it was ok. That whatever you felt was ok. That it wouldn't be what you expected, or what others expected for that matter. That it would last for a time you couldn't control. That it will affect you at times you would never imagine. That you might not feel it when you want to or that you would be overwhelmed with emotion at the exact moment you wouldn't want to (like at your surprise birthday party/concert extravaganza) But I couldn't. So I decided to write it. I do better in this line of communication than face to face anyway.

All this to say, you are not alone. Your loss is much different than mine, but not less. Death is hard and confusing and humbling and all of those things change us no matter what degree. I don't have any wisdom just understanding and empathy for where you are and what you face. Thank you for being transparent. God used you to break me, to comfort me, and I think to continue to heal me. I will be praying for you with all my heart. Good Night.

One Quarter Century Down, Lord Knows How Much to Go!

One hour and 8 minutes left of my 25th year. I have accumulated hundreds of incredible friends in my life but I have been especially blessed by the ones in the last few years. Looking back on where God has placed me in the last 25 years, I can honestly say He has been busy! I am not the same person as I was a year ago and so grateful for that! So is Charlotte! And the friendships I have now are deeper than I've ever had before. All that to say... how does it get any better? What should I be hoping for. I have decided to never get married, so I am not looking for a man:) I have the greatest friends in the world so I am not looking for that either! The truth is i could never have imagined a year ago I would be here, teaching in Santa Cruz, being met here by a gracious and loving Father who teaches me daily how to love Him more, with people I never imagined meeting... ever! So if I couldn't have planned this year, how can I expect to know what is to come?! It is exciting and I am looking forward to it. If you have any ideas for how to make the next 25 years better than the first please, please let me know!

Striving for the Goal

I love that God pays attention to the details. I am never looking for the blessings that God drops. Today I was so encouraged by a friends courage and humility to admit to a past she isn't proud of. Not to boast in her own growth but to boast in the God who changed her, who guided her, who loved her despite it all. Amazing.

And my cousin called. This guy is my true best friend. He is the only person who knew me as a kid, as a loud, obnoxious, bossy kid. And our childhood was ours. We share memories that just crack us up the second we are reminded. My little Ross is all grown up. I guess I am too. What a blessing to have someone in my life like that. I am so excited to be a bigger part of each others life!

And I worked out tonight. God definitely gets the credit for that!

Small details, huge impact. I love my life. I love the people in it. I love the God and Savior who orchestrates it all for His glory and my ultimate joy! What a great day!

Silver Pants and Laughter

Inside jokes are kinda mean. They bug me because its laughter that can't be shared with anyone except those who were there. I am blessed and my life is full of laughter. Lately it has been because of 3 special girls that mean the world to me. Sydney, Becca and Sarah have grown from little sisters into friends in the last 5 years. We laugh constantly. These are the kind of girls that wear matching silver leggings in a game of ultimate frisbee in the snow. You know them. The kind of girls who strive to make their time together fun and memorable. They challenge each other to be living for God's glory. They make fun of each others "poots." They giggle into the wee hours of the morning. The best part of it all is the way they love. They love me more than I deserve and I hope I never take for granted what God has brought into my life. I want everyone to know that love, that laughter. It's something to be shared. It's something to be cherished and grateful for.