Sunrise Service

Mount Hermon has a sunrise sermon each Easter where we all trek up the hill to the top where there is a 15 foot cross and a beautiful view of the Santa Cruz Mountains. I usually find myself distracted by a lot of "man-madeness" up there. Whether its the city of Scotts Valley down the hill, the rock quarry, the fence, the water tower, the AT&T tower... whatever it is I usually see it as in the way of seeing God. Danny Wallen shared a perfect lesson for such a person like me. The water tower reminds us of His provision for us. The fence reminds us of the prison we are now free of because of His sacrifice. The AT&T tower reminds us of the open connection we now have with God. As Kit was leading us in worship, we all sang as the sun peaked over the clouds, conspicuous at first, and then beaming over the mountains and valley, the buildings and people. I found myself seeing the city so much differently. His people were down there, His creation. And here He was proclaiming Himself through this magnificent sunrise, proclaiming His might, His beauty, His provisions, His power... and these people below don't see the miracle. They want to stay warm in their beds. They want another hour of sleep. They want a longer break from this fallen world. The sun is their enemy as long as they dread that day that has now arrived. And they don't see Him. As I sat on that hill I was so humbled. The LORD woke me this morning just in time to get up there. The LORD enabled me to climb that hill just in time to be with the body. The LORD provided this hope that each new day brings. I am so blessed to know this Lord and to be supernaturally lead by Him. And as I looked down on that once distracting pile of cement and street lamps and roads, my heart broke. It broke, I think, because His heart breaks as He reveals himself in these wonderous ways, and His people don't even notice. They need Him. I need Him. And He is willing and patient. What an amazing Easter morning. He is Risen. He is Risen indeed!!!!!

Sorry, its a sad one. But honest.

Today was one of those days. You never really see them coming. You know there is stuff in your life that isn't quite right. Relationships that need mending. Decisions that need making. Prayers that need praying. Problems that need solving. You know. They are no secret to you. But you don't expect it all to come crashing down on you in one day. And its not a crash actually. That might make it easier. Because then there would be onlookers, good samaritans ready to jump in and help clean up the mess. No this day starts like any other. And the destruction is from within. No car. No windshield. No air bags. Just thoughts. Thoughts that slow you down. There are bandages that are slowly being pulled away revealing open wounds vulnerable for the re-wounding. And anything can do it. A remark that any other day wouldn't have been noticed. A disapproving glance that sends your mind into a whirlwind of doubt and insecurity. And even neglect. Even the lack of words or lack of glances. Even that makes it worse. Because today, everything reminds you that you are alone. Everything reminds you that no one really knows you. That when it comes down to it, there is no one on this planet who loves you the way you want to be loved. And it takes all day to remember Him. All day to remember that you are right. That there is no one on this earth that loves you because He has a kingdom of His own, far above this place. It takes all day to remember you are NEVER alone. To remember He is speaking to you, He is looking over you. He is affirming your heart and walk. He is proclaiming His redemption and grace through you. It takes all day to remember that under those bandages that you placed on your heart over and over, under those bandages there are no wounds, just scars, painful memories but healed and safe. Healed by Him, by His presence, by His peace, by His comfort. By His redemption. It takes you until the moments before you fall asleep to be reminded that this is the day that the Lord has made. And as you dose off you realize once again the Lord is reigning victorious over the great deceiver. And this day becomes something different. Oswald Chambers said,

“When a man gets to despair he knows that all his thinking will never get him out. He will only get out by the sheer creative effort of God. Consequently he is in the right attitude to receive from God that which he cannot gain for himself.”

Unintentionally Condemning Myself

Romans 2:1

Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.

Example of me judging others

As I am walking into the Santa Cruz Diner, I spot a man in
a minnie skirt, polo and an iguanna on his shoulder.
The whole things disturbs my being, from head to toe. Freak

Example of me actually judging myself

I have a pair of shoes that my mom bought me once. Really expensive and they are supposed to help your posture and burn more calories. The problem is their soles are like 3 inches thick and they make look like I have 2 club feet. I wear them out of guilt sometimes for letting my mom buy them for me. I think it might be a conspiracy to make me look retarded. Freak.

Moral: Don't judge someone by what they are wearing. I am sure Michael Jackson goes out in normal clothes sometimes... that's deceiving.


I make a joke of this but in reality it hits home. Everytime I can think of that I have chosen to judge someone not only can I mirror it with a similar offense of my own, I don't need to. Because ALL have fallen short and I am the least of these. Seeing the good in all people, now that is a task! But such a good and God-honoring one!

Why I Don't like Disneyland (No offense Sarah or Char)

OK, there are 60,000 people in one place. The bathrooms are always crowded. People are constantly looking at you like you are a waste of space because you are in theirs. Kids are throwing up cotton candy and pickles. People are not wearing enough clothes. I have to sit in the same seat as the girls who are pretty much wearing denim underwear. Yuck! The lines aren't just long, they are ridiculous. Ridiculous because in the time it would take me to wait to ride Pirates of the Caribbean, I could be in the Caribbean. And with the price of admission, it just might be cheaper. There are grown men in tights walking around like they own the place, and I am not just talking about the cast members. I have blisters on the back of my ankles. Not from my tennis shoes (I wore Rainbows) but from the 389 strollers that rammed me from behind. There are more wheelchairs in Disneyland than anywhere on the planet. Fakers, who get rewarded by cutting in front of me, shortening their wait time by 3 hours per ride. Who says cheating doesn't pay! I don't mean to be so negative. Someone I really respect LOVES Disneyland and I get it. It is a place where your 8 year-old dreams can come true. But my 26 year-old dreams were squashed by the rather large lady with a cane who swooped in on my bench! MY BENCH! I guess its people like me that make Disneyland what it is. Sarah, you are my hero! I love you for seeing the good in all people and even all places! I will work on it. Although I will probably never go to Disneyland again, I now how have incredible memories there with Charlotte, Sarah, Beth, Katie and Annie! You girls made all the difference in the world!!!! Oh yeah! And It's a Small World sucks!

A Lesson on Your Senses

It's Wednesday night. NIGHT HIKE!!!! My kids have been waiting for this moment all week. We start by walking silently, getting our eyes adjusted to the night sky. They are besides themselves with anxiety and excitement. And as I hear giggles coming form the very back of the trail group, I realize my counselors are pretty antsy too. My first activity is one intended to challenge them to investigate two of their senses: smell and taste. The truth is they are connected and tasting flavor is near impossible without your sense of smell. So the directions are to hold your nose with one hand and put your other hand out in front of you so that I can give you a jelly bean. Chew the jelly bean for 20 seconds and try to figure out what flavor it is. Once I had gotten them to this point, I asked them to let go of their nose and tell me what flavor they had. "Grape!" "Yuck!" "Chocolate!" "Tutti-frutti" And then my counselor.

"I can't taste it. How am I supposed to taste it?"

I didn't exactly know how to respond and knowing me, you can imagine my facial expression at this point. Good thing it was dark. "Well," I really tried not to be patronizing, "With your tongue I guess."

Silence.

Her response sent us all into hysterics. "So its not supposed to be up my nose?"

She must have missed a word here or there. She started to try to snot rocket it out of her nostril as the rest of us keeled over laughing! What planet are these people from?! Moral of the story: Don't be the kind of idiot who does whatever anyone tells you to do. Especially if you think they are telling you to lodge anything up your nose. I guess except for bay leaves cause I tell my kids to do that every week... you get my point.

Long View

THIS IS NOT MINE!!!! I found this in high school and have no idea where it is from but I love it.

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise
that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the Kingdom
always lies beyond us.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.
This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.
We can not do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for
God's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders,
ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

A letter to a friend...

After an amazingly fun night with friends, the conversation changed directions and a friend in particular shared that he had just lost a niece and was just trying to wrap his brain around it. After sitting in silence as he shared, crying and vulnerable, said good night without a word of my own struggle. So I decided to write him and this is what came of it...

Then our night turned serious. And I am thankful for it because it was what I needed. The truth is, birthdays are hard for me. I want to share this with you because mourning is tricky. Its long-lasting, its short-lived, its everything we think it won't be and nothing we expect.

All day today, something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I was waiting for something and it never came. I was anxious and nervous and I could not figure out what is was that I thought should happen. I was on my solo walk at night hike, setting up the path with glow sticks when it hit me harder than it ever has in the last 4 and a half years, I was waiting for my dad to call. I got so angry at myself because I know he is dead. I was there when my mom got the call. I picked up his things from his apartment in San Francisco. I took care of his funeral over 4 years ago. But I had somehow displaced that pain completely and had tricked myself into believing he would call, he would call and make fun of my "old age" and tell stories of his own youth. How stupid. How mean.

Then tonight we started talking about mourning, about giving grace to ourselves. I started to cry. I was speechless. More than anything I wanted to tell you that it was ok. That whatever you felt was ok. That it wouldn't be what you expected, or what others expected for that matter. That it would last for a time you couldn't control. That it will affect you at times you would never imagine. That you might not feel it when you want to or that you would be overwhelmed with emotion at the exact moment you wouldn't want to (like at your surprise birthday party/concert extravaganza) But I couldn't. So I decided to write it. I do better in this line of communication than face to face anyway.

All this to say, you are not alone. Your loss is much different than mine, but not less. Death is hard and confusing and humbling and all of those things change us no matter what degree. I don't have any wisdom just understanding and empathy for where you are and what you face. Thank you for being transparent. God used you to break me, to comfort me, and I think to continue to heal me. I will be praying for you with all my heart. Good Night.