Another gift of grace...

For those of you who have been in my life the last few years, you know that I have been overwhelmed by my understanding of grace. God has gradually allowed me to know and feel and give and enjoy His grace on a deeper and deeper level through change and incredible teachers and good friends. I spent so much of my walk with Him feeling "tolerated" and it is a pretty recent thing for me to be able to recognize myself as His daughter. It has been such a fruitful time but if I can be honest... the last few months I have struggled with this grace. I have wondered if I have pitched my tent in a soft view of the gospel, ignoring some hard truths because they aren't as comforting as grace. I see others working so hard to be righteous, working so hard to be the most knowledgeable and I have been running for the hills to stay away from the legalism I once lived in.

Today, God showed up in a HUGE way! I tried a new church called Venture. It is a 40 minute commute and as I drove over the hill I prayed out loud. I shared with God what I thought I might be looking for in a church but admitted I really had no idea. I shared with Him areas I see in my life that are stagnant. I shared with Him some distractions that I see forming in my life, some footholds perhaps. And by the time I arrived at the church parking lot I still had no idea what I was looking for or how I was going to know if it was right for me.

I was 13 minutes early. I sat alone in the back left. I watched all colors of people come in and begin laughing with the people next to them. I saw at least 8 culturally mixed couples. I saw 2 men in wheelchairs handing out bulletins. I saw the drummer was a woman!!!! Sweet! So far, so good. The worship leader was an attractive man with absolutely no stage presence which left me focusing on the words of each song as well as my response. It was fabulous!

The teaching pastor began by listing all of the things I had listed as desires I had in a church: fellowship, growth, truth, joy and anticipation. He went on to say he was describing a church he had pastored once where while all these things were present, individual growth wasn't. People were struggling year after year with the same issues. And there I sat, astounded at God's intensively intimate hand in my heart at that very moment. "Ok, Dad, I am listening."

He spoke of nodding our heads with the Pastor on Sunday Morning, encouraged by Truth and the Gospel. And then Monday hits, and our priorities swing right back into what they were. This is because we are deceived. This is because we are afraid. This is because we have failed so many times before. It's easier to give in. And the piece that is missing, the ingredient that can free us from allowing our bodies to control us is Discipline.

Sarah Welles has always been so good at affirming this in my life. She can list times when I have said I am going to do something... and in her memory I always follow through. And for that season I have encouraged her. I am so grateful for that but am continually discouraged by the fact that it NEVER LASTS!!!! But there is a piece of this grand puzzle that I have never been able to find. A piece that connects our seemingly hopeless attempts of righteousness to our ever-growing need for grace. A piece that connects my fear of having a mushy, weak view of salvation with the truth that this life is a calling like no other. And here it is.....

Discipline is a by-product of grace. That same grace that keeps me by my Fathers side. That same grace that picks me up off the floor. That same grace that allows me to come running back into His arms when I fall. From that grace flows the gift of self-control.

"For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and wordly passions and to live self-contolled upright and godly lives in the present age." Titus 2:11-12

"All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness." Hebrews 12:11

Discipline is a gift. One that doesn't have expectations or requirements. One that doesn't cost anything God doesn't already supply. I find myself nodding. I find myself agreeing with all my heart and praying desperately that Monday never hits. But it will. In 3 short hours actually so I am going to continue to pray. I am going to be memorizing these verses as well as 1 Cor. 9:24-27, 2 Peter 1:6 and Gal. 5:22-23. I am going to be making a few changes this week. And a few more next week. And so on and so forth. Not to be a better person but to enjoy this gift that my Father offers lovingly and without limits. You only get one shot at this life...