A letter to a friend...

After an amazingly fun night with friends, the conversation changed directions and a friend in particular shared that he had just lost a niece and was just trying to wrap his brain around it. After sitting in silence as he shared, crying and vulnerable, said good night without a word of my own struggle. So I decided to write him and this is what came of it...

Then our night turned serious. And I am thankful for it because it was what I needed. The truth is, birthdays are hard for me. I want to share this with you because mourning is tricky. Its long-lasting, its short-lived, its everything we think it won't be and nothing we expect.

All day today, something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it but I was waiting for something and it never came. I was anxious and nervous and I could not figure out what is was that I thought should happen. I was on my solo walk at night hike, setting up the path with glow sticks when it hit me harder than it ever has in the last 4 and a half years, I was waiting for my dad to call. I got so angry at myself because I know he is dead. I was there when my mom got the call. I picked up his things from his apartment in San Francisco. I took care of his funeral over 4 years ago. But I had somehow displaced that pain completely and had tricked myself into believing he would call, he would call and make fun of my "old age" and tell stories of his own youth. How stupid. How mean.

Then tonight we started talking about mourning, about giving grace to ourselves. I started to cry. I was speechless. More than anything I wanted to tell you that it was ok. That whatever you felt was ok. That it wouldn't be what you expected, or what others expected for that matter. That it would last for a time you couldn't control. That it will affect you at times you would never imagine. That you might not feel it when you want to or that you would be overwhelmed with emotion at the exact moment you wouldn't want to (like at your surprise birthday party/concert extravaganza) But I couldn't. So I decided to write it. I do better in this line of communication than face to face anyway.

All this to say, you are not alone. Your loss is much different than mine, but not less. Death is hard and confusing and humbling and all of those things change us no matter what degree. I don't have any wisdom just understanding and empathy for where you are and what you face. Thank you for being transparent. God used you to break me, to comfort me, and I think to continue to heal me. I will be praying for you with all my heart. Good Night.

One Quarter Century Down, Lord Knows How Much to Go!

One hour and 8 minutes left of my 25th year. I have accumulated hundreds of incredible friends in my life but I have been especially blessed by the ones in the last few years. Looking back on where God has placed me in the last 25 years, I can honestly say He has been busy! I am not the same person as I was a year ago and so grateful for that! So is Charlotte! And the friendships I have now are deeper than I've ever had before. All that to say... how does it get any better? What should I be hoping for. I have decided to never get married, so I am not looking for a man:) I have the greatest friends in the world so I am not looking for that either! The truth is i could never have imagined a year ago I would be here, teaching in Santa Cruz, being met here by a gracious and loving Father who teaches me daily how to love Him more, with people I never imagined meeting... ever! So if I couldn't have planned this year, how can I expect to know what is to come?! It is exciting and I am looking forward to it. If you have any ideas for how to make the next 25 years better than the first please, please let me know!

Striving for the Goal

I love that God pays attention to the details. I am never looking for the blessings that God drops. Today I was so encouraged by a friends courage and humility to admit to a past she isn't proud of. Not to boast in her own growth but to boast in the God who changed her, who guided her, who loved her despite it all. Amazing.

And my cousin called. This guy is my true best friend. He is the only person who knew me as a kid, as a loud, obnoxious, bossy kid. And our childhood was ours. We share memories that just crack us up the second we are reminded. My little Ross is all grown up. I guess I am too. What a blessing to have someone in my life like that. I am so excited to be a bigger part of each others life!

And I worked out tonight. God definitely gets the credit for that!

Small details, huge impact. I love my life. I love the people in it. I love the God and Savior who orchestrates it all for His glory and my ultimate joy! What a great day!

Silver Pants and Laughter

Inside jokes are kinda mean. They bug me because its laughter that can't be shared with anyone except those who were there. I am blessed and my life is full of laughter. Lately it has been because of 3 special girls that mean the world to me. Sydney, Becca and Sarah have grown from little sisters into friends in the last 5 years. We laugh constantly. These are the kind of girls that wear matching silver leggings in a game of ultimate frisbee in the snow. You know them. The kind of girls who strive to make their time together fun and memorable. They challenge each other to be living for God's glory. They make fun of each others "poots." They giggle into the wee hours of the morning. The best part of it all is the way they love. They love me more than I deserve and I hope I never take for granted what God has brought into my life. I want everyone to know that love, that laughter. It's something to be shared. It's something to be cherished and grateful for.

Forgetting

I started reading East of Eden by Steinbeck, honestly, not so excited. I know, I know its a classic. But there is just something about it being my dorky high school English teachers favorite book of all time that turns me off. How could I have anything in common with this middle-aged whack job who, by the way, slammed her head on a desk to make a point about dramatic presentations. So yeah, she's interesting. My attitude was needless to say pretty bad but since I have come to love reading so much more in my adult years, I decided to give it a go.

I am only in chapter 2 but I am already floored by its truth. This guy is giving some history to the place he grew up and while describing the people farming there he says, "And it never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way."

That is so true of me and as far as I can tell true for most of the people around me. What would we have to complain about otherwise? How quickly do I forget the blessing of a job when its just making coffee? How often do I forget my struggle with loneliness when I am surrounded by new friends? I have so many things to thank God for giving me or even taking away but I am so consumed with what is now, I forget what was.

So my teacher and I have a lot more in common than I expected. And I am a jerk. Actually when I really try to remember her now, I remember she had a great sense of humor and always had passion for what she was teaching.

Humble beginnings...

So I have these two really great friends who keep bugging me to start blogging.(see picture) They know I process through communication, so I guess they are right. I need this. I need this to evaluate the world around me, the many experiences that otherwise would be forgotten. I like to make people laugh but I can be serious too. So I really have no idea how this will turn out. Be patient with me. (I have really bad grammar!) Be honest with me. (I might make you mad!) I would love to hear what you think. (I might change your life=)

With that said...

I had an amazing experience at church yesterday. Twin Lakes in Capitola had a guest speaker: J.P. Moreland!!! He shared a ton of statistics about what God is doing on the mission field that left me deeply encouraged. The Christian Movement has grown more in the last 40 years than ever before and in countries never saved before. I know that some would be skeptical of this. "Narrow is the gate" is often used to infer that not many will know Christ. That most will choose to follow their own path. Or that many convertions aren't genuine. But I can't help but be so encouraged to see God loving the whole world, fighting for their hearts with no limitations, no hesitation. Seeing the world changing while we stand still makes me want to go and see the church in these other places where miracles are happening and people are being healed in the name of Jesus. I feel like my hope has been renewed in a holy, loving God, jealous for His people. I feel like my God just got so much bigger!